During a week-long Presence in Yoga retreat, I spoke very little – a big change for me. I joined other students and teachers from I’m not used to silence. There is usually some background noise in my life – and too often it’s people talking on TV or radio. In silence, I get to hear the radio in my own head – and what a show it is.
Sometimes it’s more bloviated than Rush Limbaugh, more paranoid than Glen Beck, more judgmental than Pat Robertson. Often it reminds me of my many shortcomings and wrongdoings. Occasionally the radio in my head sings my praises. At times my mind's thoughts are angry, proud, envious, slothful, lustful, gluttonous – you name the negativity, it has run through the radio in my head.
My emotions follow my thoughts, and they’re expressed in my body. So my stomach may be tight with rage, aching with guilt, tender with sorrow. My throat and jaw stiffen with judgment – of others or of myself. My heart may feel closed and hard, or open and vulnerable.
So naturally, I prefer to avoid my own thought-producing, anxiety-producing radio. I’d rather be distracted.
It’s not easy to just listen – to the radio in my head, to the birds singing, to my teacher. I want to talk back. Being silent is hard!
But being silent was a way to know myself in new ways. Being silent was a way to do yoga in more expanded, more open ways. It was a way to hear the wonder of the woods with fresh ears and heart.
Thank you to our teacher Mary Paffard, whose words and poetry offered so much in the silence. Thank you, Diann and Adam and the staff at Gray Bear, my fellow yogis who give me so much, my wonderful husband, delightful students, and our own peaceful, blooming woods.
Pictures of the retreat are at http://picasaweb.google.com/nbyoga/PresenceInYogaRetreat#
